Wow

This is kind of an unprecedented: I actually spent most of a Friday working.  Will wonders never cease.

It's another Monday

Again, I have gotten very little done on a Monday.  Well, actually a bit more than usual, however it's still a pain in that ass that I start so hyper of Mondays and so many 'oh look at the kitty moments'.  I believe that this happens because my schedule is back to what I consider to be normal.  I get started with things that need to be done late in the day and I wind up getting to bed later.  Saturdays, I don't get a whole lot done, other than paycheck weekend errands, because I believe that I'm catching up mentally/physically from living an early-in-the-day day instead of a later-in-the-day; any day that I don't have to work, my day tends to be 9am to midnight or 2am.  I  should do as the various articles I've read say: keep the same schedule every single day.  That would be easier if I actually had a reason to get up, like going to a class or meeting someone at the gym.

This page pretty much describes me to a T.  This one describes some of the symptoms from a Type I Bipolar (mania) point of view.  Whichever one I get them from, probably both, it is really a pain in the ass.  Although, my H may the the mania, meaning that I'm 'average' in the hyperactivity aspect, however it's still a pain in the ass.  I already take the supplements described on the first web page, and that does help a bit for the first half of the night, however it does no good on Sunday nights because of what I described above. My mind is racing too much and I still have a lot of energy left.  In fact, Monday is the day that I am late the most, because of not falling asleep completely until maybe 1-2am.  Around Thursday, I have lived the early-in-the-day schedule, on top of already being tired from Sunday, and I often am late on those days as well.  Between Mania, ADHD and taking adult blood pressure pills, I'm pretty much always late getting up, even in childhood.  As soon as my sisters were old enough, they started leaving me behind so that they would be on time.  By junior high, I had to ride a school bus, so I had to work harder to get to the bus stop on time.  However, I spent the morning being tired.  Around lunchtime or so, the mania/ADHD energy kicked in and I was again that forever-talking, fidgeting obnoxious un-liked person (no, I am not exaggerating).

Things would be so much nicer if ...

… I were getting to create programs, instead of having to do so much maintenance, trying to figure out other people’s crappy coding.  I get so bored with that, but can’t have everything you want, unfortunately.

I'm again at a loss as to what to do

Someone I know has gotten a promotion.  I’m sure that some people would say that this is nothing more than jealousy on my part, however that is far from the truth but I would be hard-pressed to explain that to someone.  I am again feeling despondent, not because of what they have but because I cannot keep up with what is considered the norm.  It is because of our current rating system that we’ve had for nearly 15 years that has kept me at below-minimum, however even with the previous one that was in place when I first got here I had the same remarks on them; it was just easier to let someone pass through, which was pretty much one of the main reasons for changing it.  And what it boils down to is that because we don’t reach that ‘normal’ level, many office settings aren’t exactly for us.  Not unless we can set up some kind of ‘support’ system, like a team setting, having a ‘buddy’ to double-check yourself with, or better yet, owning your own company.  None of those are available to me in my situation.  My needing a ‘buddy’ signifies that I am not ready for the next level.  Even if I had the money to open my own business, if I knew what was good for me, I’d have to have someone running the day-to-day things, while I do the whatever-else there would be.

 

I’ve considered time and again taking another position in this company but I can’t bring myself to do it.  One, I can’t think of anything else in this company I’d be doing that might at least as interesting.  Working on the help desk, or in catalog taking orders, would drive me crazy, just like it does my mother (I really do feel for her on that score).  Having to fix PCs or solve other people’s problems would drive me crazy, because I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to come up with a solution fast enough.  That was the very reason that I turned down two offers from IS-A for a position, because I knew that I would not be able to solve those problems quickly, even before I knew why that was so.  I never left this company for that reason as well, because I would be carrying those same problems with me.

 

The two main reasons, besides not wanting to do anything else, is that I can’t afford to lose money in my paycheck and how do you explain why you walked away from what you liked doing because you couldn’t do it well?  Why after a ¼ of a century?  So, do I stay and resign myself to the fact that I might not rise above this?  Or, if things go the way that I think they will if we lose the union, wait until I’m sent to another group, forced to retire or worse yet, let go?  In the long run, taking contract jobs wouldn’t be all that bad, if I could get them.  I’d be spending months to maybe a couple of years at a job.  And, I could put all of the software that I currently use onto a Surface and get (nearly) the same benefits.  I would go crazy if I had to work on a help desk or worse yet, read some script selling insurance or collecting a debt.